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| Tata & I, 1997 |
It has been 7 years 10 months and 27 days since I lost my father to cancer. Two months before my father past away, my mom sat my siblings and I down to tell us that our Grandfather had bladder cancer. As much as it was a punch in the gut, two family members with cancer at the same time. What did my family do to the universe to deserve this? However, the good news is bladder cancer is survivable. Fighting is hard, but fighting is all you had to rely on.
Over the years, fighting became harder. In 2017, cancer came back in full force. It did not look good. But you pulled through. You were better. We all had hope for many more years to come. You came to my college graduation. You were happy, being your normal self. You were the comfort I needed on a day I thought would be impossible to get through.
And then you went back to California, to find out that the cancer was back. But it isn't just back in your bladder, no. It was in the eye socket, jaw, bones, spine, ribs, hips, liver, lungs, groan, skull the list goes on. It was everywhere. There wasn't much left to do.
It has been 2,888 days since I watched my father die in front of my eyes. And you know what, even after all this time, I am still not prepared to have another person in my family pass away.
I knew it was going to happen one day. Everyone dies, I know that. Watching the person you love the most die when you are young teaches you that. But my family, come on, we lost enough right?
Does losing someone really teach you how to lose another person?
This is what I keep asking myself. I feel like it does in some ways. You come to understand the pain and the grief that will come in due time. However, it is also a bit different. The relationship you had with the person is different. So the grief is or will be a bit different as well.
Does it hurt any less, no it doesn't.
I don't want to lose you. You were supposed to be there at my wedding, watch me buy a house, love on my future kids. You were supposed to go on more cruises around the world because Bora Bora was not enough. You were supposed to have more time as my grandfather.
Nevertheless, you were in extreme amounts of pain. You don't deserve that. You deserve peace, comfort, happiness, and love. I hope you felt that love from all of us.
On February 16, 2019, with the last goodbyes said, you passed away as the world fell asleep.
As today is the first Father's day without you, it seems weird and foreign yet a little familiar.
I miss you every day,
I miss the daily texts,
I miss you answering the phone with "Hello my beautiful granddaughter",
I miss you calling me "Mogens"
I miss you.
Nevertheless, I am thankful for the years I got to have you as my Tata.
In all honesty, I don't think you are ever really prepared to lose another person, but I think you learn to take the pain and the final days in the best way you know how.
For me, that was sitting by my father's side as he passed away, and Facetiming to see my Tata the last couple of days. Is that for everyone, no. But that is what I needed to do. I whole heartily wish you both here with me, although I know you both are now free from years of suffering. So now all I have to say is:
I love you both past the sky
&
Happy Father's Day.
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| My Dad & I, 2011 |
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| My Dad & I, 1996 |
